


Hey baby, can you bleed like me?

by Kyluxtrashpit (ApostateRevolutionary)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Hospital Sex, Hospitalization, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kylux Hard Kinks, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Self-Esteem Issues, Semi-Public Sex, Suicide Attempt, Tender Sex, though the kylux is quite soft all things considered
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-23 03:18:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11394273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ApostateRevolutionary/pseuds/Kyluxtrashpit
Summary: Kylo is no stranger to being a fuck up, but he never expected to fuck up killing himself. Trapped in a mental health ward with the full belief that there's nothing they can do for him, he finds unexpected solace in his asshole roommate.





	Hey baby, can you bleed like me?

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this prompt](http://kyluxhardkinks.tumblr.com/post/161636312523/) on [kyluxhardkinks](http://kyluxhardkinks.tumblr.com) on tumblr:
> 
> “Hospital sex. Maybe theyre both on neighboring beds and have struck up a romance. They have slow lazy sex on the creaky hospital beds and theyre trying to be quiet and its all so vanilla. Maybe theyre both there after failed suicide attempts bcos theyre lonely and thats how kylo also got those big ugly scars(what are you talking about kylo i can barely see it. youre still so perfect-hux)” 
> 
> Quick warning: this fic contains blunt/graphic discussions of suicidal thoughts/suicide attempts, self-harm, mental health issues, general disdain for therapists/doctors, self-hating thoughts, and probably some other things that need warning for, so PLEASE read with caution okay
> 
> I also realize this is not a realistic mental health ward experience, but it wasn’t intended to be, so I fudged a lot of things to make it fit the plot and still remain an enjoyable read. Kylo and Hux are not good patients for the majority of it. Also this takes place in a country that is not the US with a) indefinite psychiatric holds and b) gun control for reasons
> 
> Title taken from [Bleed Like Me by Garbage](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r21Qza6vadU)

What Kylo hated the most was that he’d failed. He’d failed at a lot of things in his life, really, but waking up and discovering he couldn’t even kill himself right was just adding insult to injury. Failure is what brought him to making such a decision, to wanting to escape so much he tried to take his own life, and then he’d just failed at that too. He really was incapable of doing anything right.

Now he was trapped in some hospital wing – they didn’t feel he was ‘stable’ enough to leave and not try again and, honestly, they were probably right – with its shitty meals, useless doctors, and tiny rooms. The rooms contained two standard hospital beds, a shared dresser filled with multiple copies of the same hospital clothes, a table with two chairs that almost never got used, and that was it. There was no door, no privacy, and no goddamn space. Kylo’s room also happened to contain a particularly asshole roommate, which made it automatically worse than any other of the rooms.

Hux didn’t seem like he even belonged here. He was aloof and standoffish, showing no signs of emotional turmoil whatsoever. He seemed perfectly normal, if a bit irate at being trapped in a tiny space with another human being – something Kylo could relate to all too well. Beyond that, though, Kylo had absolutely no idea why Hux wasn’t out in the world living whatever life he must have had outside of this hellhole.

When Kylo had first arrived in the mental health ward proper after being released from emergency, bandages covering the deep scratch on his face and the fresh stitches on his forearms, a small part of him had hoped that perhaps he’d find a kindred spirit in the surprisingly attractive ginger he’d been roomed with. It had been so long since he’d genuinely connected with another human being and, well, if they were both here, clearly they could both use some companionship.

Hux had paid him no attention while he’d settled in, writing or drawing something with a thin felt-tipped marker, deciding to sit against the wall on his bed as opposed to at the table. The orderlies that had escorted Kylo left and when Kylo had sat down heavily on the bed, the creak of the shitty frame had drawn Hux’s attention. The man had appraised him with a completely neutral expression.

“Hi,” Kylo had said quietly, too numb to really have any emotional inflection.

“Hello,” Hux had said back, his accent crisp and pleasing to the ear. “You’re to be my new roommate, then?”

“I guess so. I’m Kylo.”

Hux’s eyebrow lifted a little at his name, a reaction Kylo was used to by now, but he mercifully didn’t say anything. “You can call me Hux, if you must.”

And that had been that. Kylo hadn’t had anything else to say and Hux hadn’t waited long for a response, eager to get back to whatever he was doing on the piece of paper. Kylo had been too exhausted to care much and had lain back and gone to sleep. After everything that had brought him here, even the crappy hospital bed had been more than comfortable enough to have him asleep in moments.

That was the best interaction they’d had so far. Most of their other conversations had been less conversations and more sniping at each other. Hux would snap at Kylo to stop moving around so much and making his bed creak, so Kylo would wiggle more just to be contrary. Kylo would ask what Hux was working so hard on and be told it was none of his business, so he’d hide Hux’s precious marker the next time he was alone in the room and watch him frantically search for it. After he’d done that the second time (and he wondered if Hux had thought he’d just put it down somewhere odd himself the first time), the sheets on his bed had been removed and tied in intricate knots all over the frame. It’d taken him about an hour to untangle them while Hux had just done his usual thing with the marker, smirking the whole time.

Kylo knew he was being just as much of a prick as Hux was, but he didn’t really care. It was fun to piss him off – there was something supremely satisfying about seeing such attractive features twisted in an ugly sneer – and it wasn’t like Hux had ever tried to make peace either. If this was to be his only entertainment while trapped here, then so be it. Perhaps being enough of a dick would get him kicked out and then he could go home and finish what he’d started. It was a long shot, but it wasn’t necessarily impossible, Kylo liked to think.

Aside from annoying Hux, his days held nothing of interest. He saw a therapist by himself most days, refusing to say anything of value to them, and he was also forced to attend group therapy, where he said nothing at all. Hux was also in his section there and it seemed he’d, too, figured out that they couldn’t actually force you to talk. There were the enforced meals as well, and other required activities, but Kylo didn’t care about any of them. There was nothing these people could do for him anyways; he’d seen enough useless therapists in his life to know that. He was a lost cause, just biding his time until they realized it too.

* * *

There was a buzzing of excitement in the ward, impossible to ignore given that the usual atmosphere was more ‘hopelessness wrapped in a thin slice of despair’. Kylo stepped into the dining area and tried to catch snippets of conversation, but couldn’t quite hear enough of any one thread to figure out what it was. He tried to tell himself it didn’t matter, that he didn’t care, but it only took roughly 5 minutes of listening to the chatter around him for curiosity to win out.

One of the nurses – a cheery one named Finn, according to his name tag which also had a number of sparkly smiley face stickers on it – was standing near the door with a facial expression reminiscent of a friendly labrador. Despite his better judgement, Kylo approached and asked what was going on.

“Oh, you haven’t heard?” Finn said cheerily. “Saturday is visitor’s day. So if you have anyone you want to see, let us know and you can call them to come visit.”

A cold shock of something unpleasant bloomed in Kylo’s gut and he couldn’t help making a face. Finn didn’t seem to notice, so Kylo just mumbled an ‘I’ll do that’ and stalked off, getting his lunch and sitting by himself to eat it. He spoke to no one, shoveling down the barely edible food until mealtime was finally over and retreating to his room, which was fortunately empty. There wasn’t a lot of time before group started, where they’d certainly be discussing visitor’s day, but there was just enough to collect himself. And if he had to bite down hard on his fingers to keep from screaming, well, no one needed to know.

The rest of the week passed as per usual and Kylo had tried his best to forget what was happening on Saturday until he woke up that morning. The excitement in the air had only increased over the last few days, building to what he presumed was its apex once the day had actually arrived. Eager chatter permeated the hallways and it was nearly impossible to ignore. Kylo buried himself further under the thin blanket they’d provided him in the vain hope of getting more sleep.

The usual activities had been cancelled that day aside from the necessities like meals to let those with people coming have time with them, but for Kylo it just meant he had more time not spent doing pointless bullshit. He’d planned to use that time to get some extra sleep and maybe more time in the makeshift gym they had, but the noise in the halls was only getting worse. Was he really the only fucking one without anyone who wanted to see him?

Gentle creaking from the other side of the room brought Kylo out of his spiraling thoughts to see Hux getting up. He seemed to be trying to make himself look presentable and hurt stabbed through Kylo at the realization that even Hux had someone who he mattered to. Kylo rolled over to face the wall, willing the stinging burn in his eyes to abate at least until Hux had left the room, wringing his skinny hands a little nervously. Another day, that uncharacteristic display of nerves may have been interesting.

He didn’t understand why it still hurt this badly. Kylo had been alone for years, had ran out on his parents in his early twenties, changed his name, and stayed far away from the city in which they lived since then. No contact with them, or his uncle, or his cousin. He’d had passing acquaintances, but there hadn’t really been anyone he could’ve called a friend. None who stuck around after finding out what he was really like, at least. And as for lovers… well, it was safe to say Kylo continued to break his dry spell record daily after he’d realized that no one was capable of falling in love with him and one night stands only made him feel worse about it.

And now? Now he’d just secured his fate of dying alone. The deep, obvious scars on his arms would be permanent, a clear sign to all to stay the fuck away. And if that wasn’t bad enough, he was sure the scratch on his face wasn’t going away anytime soon, either. Worse yet, he only had himself to blame for all of it.

Kylo’s memories of the night that had landed him here were a bit fuzzy. He’d… done the deed, so to speak, and had decided just to stay on the couch, sit and wait for it to be over. Mess hadn’t mattered at that point and it wouldn’t be long, surely. He’d gotten dizzy and then something in him had just…

It felt weak to say he’d changed his mind at the last minute, like so many supposedly do, but it was like his body was acting without his permission, his mind somewhere far away, already half gone. He’d stood quickly, looking for his phone, or maybe a tourniquet – he didn’t really know what – but he’d lost too much blood and had immediately collapsed, hitting his face on the corner of the coffee table. Kylo had barely felt the deep cut that had just missed his eye and had only been conscious for a few moments after that. His downstairs neighbour, though, had heard him fall, tried knocking, and panicked at the lack of response before calling 911.

Then he’d woken up in the hospital, confused at first and then miserable once he’d realized what happened. There was no one waiting in his room, not even the supposed “hero” neighbour, aside from a nurse speaking in _that_ voice, the one they thought was sympathetic and caring but really just sounded condescending, the same one every therapist he’d ever seen had used.

Kylo made a fist and slammed the side of it into the wall, swallowing a cry at the pain. The halls were quiet now, but he could hear the distant sounds of delighted voices echoing along the walls. A choked noise escaped his throat and Kylo felt the first shameful tears slip down his cheeks. He buried his face in his pillow, trying to muffle the ensuing sobs that wracked his body, uncontrolled and unstoppable now that they’d started.

He had no idea how long he’d been crying uselessly for when he heard what sounded like approaching footsteps and he froze. Shit, had they heard him? Were they looking for him? Even if they weren’t, if he was found, they would never leave him alone, might even call in the therapist for some sort of emergency session or some shit. Kylo couldn’t let that happen, but where was he to hide?

Desperation led him to the only option he had, uncomfortable and humiliating as it was: under his bed. It took him a good minute or two to wriggle under it and even then the bars that made up the bedframe dug painfully into his flesh. He didn’t mind, though; pain had always helped him when nothing else would. Tears continued to run down his cheeks, but the sobbing had at least abated for the moment. And it was good timing, too, as he’d just gotten settled when the nurse he’d heard earlier walked by with a quick pause at the door, presumably checking the room, before continuing on to the next one.

The relief at having hidden successfully didn’t last long, however, when the reality of the situation sunk in. Kylo was a grown man, crying his eyes out in what was essentially a public space, and hiding under his bed in fear. He was utterly pathetic. The sobs came back then, and Kylo shoved his fist in his mouth in the hopes of stifling the sounds. This was precisely why he had no one to come see him. He bit down on his fist, trying to silence both his involuntary cries and the thoughts in his head, but neither abated.

 _Look at you, you pathetic, worthless piece of shit. You deserve to die, but you couldn’t even manage that, could you? Look where you are now, you fucking waste of skin._ Kylo’s sobs came harder, silent tremors wracking his body. He bit down with more force in an effort to stop the torrent, but all he got was the taste of blood.

Time passed, but Kylo had no idea how much. Eventually, the tears had worked their way out, every self-hating thought he had seeming to get swept away in the flood while he was at it. Contrary to what he’d been told, though, crying never made him feel better. He just felt empty and exhausted. He was still hiding under the bed, not having the energy to move. Besides, he wasn’t a delicate crier and he knew his face would make what he’d been doing obvious. He’d have to wait a little longer before he snuck back up to his bed and pretended like nothing had happened.

His plans to wait a little longer were foiled when he heard quiet footsteps not only approach, but enter his room. Whoever it was let out a deep sigh and then climbed into the other bed – Hux’s bed. Kylo heard the familiar sounds of Hux settling in, sitting with his back against the wall, then the collection of paper for whatever it was he did in his free time and the uncapping of the marker.

Then, horribly, Kylo heard a light clatter, like the dropped lid of a marker bouncing on the floor, followed by Hux’s quiet curse. Kylo froze, dreading the inevitable and hoping beyond hope it didn’t happen. If Hux found him like this… well, Hux hadn’t exactly been nice to him so far and Kylo’s stomach sank at what he might say when he found his enforced roommate hiding under his bed with obvious tear tracks on his face. He could fucking see the marker lid; Hux would have to bend down right in front of him.

He heard Hux sigh and get up, then step over to where the lid was. A shifting of fabric signaled Hux bending down and then he saw a flash of ginger hair. For one brief, beautiful moment, Kylo thought maybe Hux wouldn’t look up, would find him in such a humiliating position, but then stormy green eyes met his. There was a fraction of a second of silence and then Hux was jumping back in surprise with a sharp yelp.

“Christ, Kylo!” he exclaimed, falling back onto his ass. “What the hell are you _doing_ down there?”

Kylo looked away, ashamed. “Nothing.”

Hux blinked at him, eyes wide and owlish. He was assessing the situation and Kylo tried to retreat further in on himself, but there was nowhere left to go. He was already folded into an uncomfortably small shape in the cramped under-space of the bed.

“Are… are you okay?” Hux asked then, catching Kylo off guard with the sincerity of the question.

Kylo took a deep breath. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just… I’m fine, just let me get out of here.”

He started moving then, pulling himself out of the tiny space and cursing when his pant leg snagged on some bolt. Kylo was also very pointedly ignoring Hux’s scrutinizing stare. Hux obviously knew he was full of shit, but he really wasn’t ready to pour his heart out to someone he was sure didn’t care. He was halfway out and cursed again as he realized just how difficult this was going to be, trying to get traction on the shiny, linoleum floor with his hands to pull himself out.

An open hand entered Kylo’s field of vision and he looked up to see Hux offering assistance. There was an uncertainty in his expression, but also what seemed like legitimate concern. Kylo wasn’t sure what to make of it, but he really did not want to spend what was surely going to be an uncomfortable ten minutes or so wiggling himself out of his predicament, especially with an audience. He took Hux’s hand, using it as leverage to finally drag himself mostly out. He was still going to have bruises from where his body bumped against the skeleton of the bed, but that really didn’t matter.

Once Kylo was out, he almost forgot to let go of Hux’s hand, marveling at cool, smooth skin covering delicate bones. It felt nice in his, like it fit, even though he often felt his own hands were disproportionately large, like so many of his features. When he finally dropped it, it had definitely been too long, but Hux, mercifully, didn’t seem to notice. They stayed like that, just sitting on the floor silently for an uncomfortable amount of time, until Hux broke the silence.

“I didn’t see you earlier,” he said, as if this was a normal conversation. “Out there, I mean. Did anyone come to see you?”

Kylo would’ve thought he didn’t have the energy to be upset after his earlier episode had already drained him, but apparently he was wrong. Something between anger and sadness washed through his stomach, spreading an electric unease through him. He didn’t want to lash out, especially with Hux being so uncharacteristically nice to him. Kylo clenched his fists as hard as he could and took a deep, calming breath before speaking.

“No.” The syllable carried more weight than he wanted it to and Hux’s eyes briefly widened again, understanding gracing his features.

“I see,” he said, and the pause was awkward now. “If it’s any consolation, I would’ve rather woken up and found you had hidden my pen again than gone out there. My one and only friend still hasn’t forgiven me.”

It wasn’t, really, and Kylo let out a bitter laugh. “At least you have someone who gives a fuck, clearly.”

Hux grimaced, apparently realizing his mistake. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

“It’s okay,” Kylo said, because he didn’t know what else to say. “It… it would just be nice if there was at least someone on this earth who gave a shit about me.”

Hux stayed quiet and something in Kylo snapped, the words spewing forth without his permission. “I had people when I was in school – art school, that is – but after I fucked off and moved, I lost them. Then I settled for a job I didn’t hate just enough to survive because I couldn’t do the starving artist thing any longer, and then I ended up staying for years because apparently I’m one hell of a failure at the one thing I thought I was good at. I don’t think I even I know both the first and last name of anyone at work.”

Kylo let out a shaky breath. He had no idea why he was even telling Hux this, but he apparently couldn’t keep it in anymore. But Hux, to his credit, listened attentively to every word he said, as if they mattered. It was… Well, it was the most intimate conversation he’d had with anyone in _years_. It was both terrifying and exhilarating.

“That was part of why… Let’s just say I’m only here because I passed out and disturbed my downstairs neighbour, who I’ve never even met. I’m alive because I fucking _inconvenienced_ someone trying to kill myself. There’s no one waiting for me out there, Hux. No one.”

Hux looked thoughtful when Kylo finished, giving him a moment to make sure there wasn’t anything else. “I’ll be honest and say I’m not exactly good at this and I really don’t know what to tell you that would actually help. Lord knows I had no plans of waking up at all either, let alone doing so in a hospital, so I understand that, but… Maybe there could be someone out there for you, maybe someone you haven’t met yet.”

Kylo resisted the urge to scoff; how many times had he heard the ‘it gets better, just wait’ speeches? But Hux wasn’t done.

“You know, when you’re not being an absolute arse, you seem decent enough,” Hux said, a hint of a playful smirk on his face. “Most people are awful, anyways. Maybe that someone will be a cat. Or a dog, if you’re more inclined to drool.”

Kylo let out a weak laugh at that. He didn’t exactly believe what Hux was saying, but he did feel strangely better having had the discussion; though he did have to very sharply tell himself not to focus on Hux almost giving him a compliment. He was not going to do that thing where he fell for the first person to give him something resembling positive attention again. Absolutely not.

“I suppose…” Kylo said and then his lips twisted into a smirk. “Besides, if not, I’ve already been here once, so maybe next time I run out of options I’ll know what not to do.”

That was apparently enough to get a sharp laugh out of Hux. “Oh, I know exactly what you mean.”

* * *

After the horror of visitor’s day, Kylo found himself talking to Hux more, just normal conversation. They still bickered, but it was interspersed with more friendly topics. Sometimes they commiserated over their therapy appointments, both agreeing they were completely useless, as well as some of the other required activities: ‘They call this art therapy? Seriously, Kylo, who over the age of ten even likes plasticine?’, ‘The workouts were actually pretty good until they stopped letting me use the punching bag. What’s it even there for if I can’t wail on it when I’m pissed off?’

This, in Kylo’s mind, was what friendship was. He’d been craving connection for so long that having it now was like a drowning man tasting air; it was delicious and he couldn’t get enough. Hux was perhaps the most sardonic person Kylo had ever met, but it worked for him, and Kylo was just happy to find someone as bitter as he was. He was a little offended that Hux _still_ wouldn’t show him what he was working on, no matter how much Kylo wheedled, but they had other things. They made each other laugh, they agreed sometimes and hotly debated when they didn’t, and talking to Hux quickly became Kylo’s favourite part of the day.

Kylo was in his solo session, telling the therapist about Hux because rambling about his roommate seemed to work just as well as any of the other evasion tactics he used to screen his real issues. He glanced at her face partway through the story, and stopped short when he saw the look there. It was a familiar expression and not one he liked. She thought she knew something.

Abruptly, he cut off his own story and scowled. “What is it?”

“You can finish the story, Kylo,” she said, in _that_ voice. “I can wait.”

“You obviously want to say something,” he said, irritated. “Just do it already.”

“It sounds like your relationship with your roommate has improved significantly.”

“It has. What’s wrong with that?” Kylo knew he was being defensive, but he couldn’t help it.

“There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m simply curious what might have prompted such a shift. You used to do nothing but complain about him and now it sounds like you’ve become quite close.” She tilted her head to the side, the elegant bob of her hair shifting with it, exaggerating her supposed curiosity.

Kylo felt his cheeks heat up a little for some reason he couldn’t identify. “We started talking more, that’s all.”

“Well I’m glad to hear it, Kylo,” she said, looking satisfied and it chafed at something inside Kylo. “It’s important to have someone you care about and feel comfortable with. From what you’ve said, it sounds like he returns the sentiment.”

Kylo shifted uncomfortably. “I suppose so.”

“Do you have many people you’re close to, Kylo?” This is why Kylo never talked about anything in these sessions; once a therapist found a sore spot, they loved to just _keep poking_.

“I have friends,” he mumbled, glancing at the clock and realizing with horror that he still had another fifteen minutes left.

“You’ve never mentioned them to me before, nor have you talked about anyone the way you talk about Hux,” she said evenly, as if she wasn’t picking at a large emotional scab.

“They’re not here,” Kylo said weakly.

His therapist pursed her lips, likely considering a way to pass by the walls Kylo kept putting up with every response. “Tell me about visitor’s day. Who came to see you?”

Kylo flinched and he knew she saw it. “No one came.”

He hated how meek his voice was and he hated how she wouldn’t just fucking leave it alone. She was opening a box in his mind that he worked very hard to keep closed for good fucking reason. He would never understand people who said this helped; once the demons escaped the box, he’d be dealing with them for _days_ until he was finally able to bury his soul-sucking loneliness again. Fuck, he just wanted to storm out, but last time he’d done that it hadn’t ended well, so he stayed put and focused on not clenching his fists.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Kylo.” She probably thought she sounded sincere, but to Kylo’s ears it only sounded like mockery. “Is there a reason that no one came to see you?”

Kylo took short breaths through his nose, fighting a losing battle with his temper. He wanted to run out. He wanted to hit her. He wanted to hide somewhere private and hurt himself. But he could do none of those.

Kylo stood abruptly, gesturing aggressively with one hand as he snapped, “There wasn’t anyone _to_ come, okay?! No one fucking gives a shit!”

The therapist did not react to his outburst, just considered him with that stare of hers. “So you don’t have people in your life that are close to you. I think forming this relationship with your roommate might be beneficial to you. Having close relationships with others is important to our mental health, and if we go long enough without personal relationships, we have to relearn how to be a part of them. Not only would forming this connection with Hux allow you to practice your social skills, but it would give you at least one person you can be close to and feel comfortable with.”

Kylo collapsed back into the chair, still unhappy, but just wanting to be done with this. “I guess.”

She sat forward in her chair a bit, pinning Kylo with her gaze. “Tell me, Kylo. What do you hope to get out of your friendship with Hux?”

Kylo stared at his feet and swallowed hard. He honestly had no idea. He liked having someone to talk to. He liked having someone who was always there, even if it really wasn’t by his own choice in this case. He wanted it to be Hux’s choice, he realized; to have Hux _choose_ to spend time with him. In some ways, Hux gave him someone to come home to, someone he knew would always be there to greet him after the day was over. That thought made Kylo’s gut twist uncomfortably.

When he didn’t answer, the therapist pushed on. “There are lots of things to get out of a relationship with someone. Someone to discuss common interests with, or someone who makes you think, or someone who makes you laugh, as examples, or perhaps more than one of those things. It can be platonic or romantic or even something in between.”

Kylo’s mind zeroed in on ‘romantic’; was he really doing this again? Falling for the first person to give him some attention? He’d sworn not to do that ever again. He knew very well what pain it caused when the sentiment wasn’t returned, as it inevitably wouldn’t be. Hux was just a friend, that much was clear, but… Did he want more? They barely knew each other and yet Kylo was afraid he already knew the answer.

His therapist continued to watch him, but quickly realized he wasn’t going to answer. “I want you to think on that for our next session: what specifically it is that you want from your friendship with Hux. I think we’ve made really good progress today, Kylo. Thank you for sharing what you did with me.”

She smiled at him and Kylo could do nothing but grimace and nod. Realizing his time was up, she walked him out and Kylo left in a daze. He was never more grateful for the short break he had after his solo sessions as the words swirled around in his head.

What he had with Hux was good, really good, but could it be better if they had more? Hux was unfairly attractive, that wasn’t new, and Kylo had rationalized the fact that he often caught himself staring was just recognition of that. Kylo thought back to when Hux had helped him out from under his bed, how his hand felt in Kylo’s. It had felt nice, like it fit just right. Kylo couldn’t help but wonder if the rest of Hux would fit with him just as well.

“I see you survived your session.” Hux’s voice brought Kylo back to himself, realizing he’d made it back to his room completely on autopilot.

There was something between a smirk and a smile on Hux’s face and that Kylo liked the way it looked – and that he was the cause of it – only made him even more confused. Shit. Why the fuck did people think therapy was a good thing?

“I fucking hate therapists,” Kylo declared, walking over to his side of the room and trying to ignore his unsettled brain.

Hux chuckled. “I know the feeling.”

The confusion didn’t pass over the next 24 hours, but thankfully he didn’t have a solo session again yet, so he didn’t have to come up with an answer to his therapist’s question. He regretted ever bringing up Hux to her. He wouldn’t have had he known she was going to pounce on it like that and now he was second guessing everything he thought about Hux. His sharp wit, his soft-looking skin, his pretty lips.

Kylo hadn’t slept well that night and now he faced the same problem, his brain refusing the shut up and just let him _rest_. He tossed and turned, fighting with the thin blanket and trying to will himself to sleep. Sleeping problems were far from new for him, but they didn’t get any less frustrating to matter how many times he had to deal with them.

After finally, blessedly, drifting off, Kylo was awakened what felt like mere moments later. He resisted the urge to groan, not wanting to disturb Hux, and tried to figure out what had woken him. That’s when he noticed what sounded suspiciously like muffled sobs coming from the bed across the room from his. Hearing crying at night wasn’t really unusual in a mental health ward, Kylo had learned, but to hear it coming from Hux? He’d never seen Hux appear anything but unshakeable despite his obvious circumstances.

Kylo carefully rolled over, moving slowly enough to keep the bed from creaking to glance over at Hux’s cot. In the darkness, Kylo could tell Hux was curled in on himself, facing the wall, his shoulders shaking minutely. It looked like he was trying hard to hold it in and something clenched in Kylo’s chest.

Kylo froze, uncertain what to do. Should he… try to help? Like Hux had done for him? It seemed like the best course of action. But what if Hux was trying so hard not to get caught because he legitimately didn’t want to be? Would he be humiliated to have been seen in such a vulnerable state? Would he rebuff Kylo’s attempts to help? Kylo didn’t think he could handle the rejection if it happened.

Still, he couldn’t do nothing, so he whispered into the semi-dark room, “Hux?”

Hux immediately jolted, freezing in place.

“Are you okay?”

Hux didn’t answer and the silence stretched, heavy in the air. Kylo chewed on his lip. He couldn’t just sit here now; he had to do something. But what should he say? He wasn’t exactly good with this kind of shit.

Letting impulse guide him, as he so often did, Kylo carefully crept out of his bed and moved to sit on Hux’s, gently placing a hand on his back. Hux flinched, but relaxed after a moment. He didn’t say anything or push Kylo away so he stayed, feeling Hux’s heavy breaths. It felt like he was trying to just keep breathing steadily so as to not start sobbing again.

“Hux…” Kylo whispered, trailing off when he still didn’t know what to say. “You can talk to me.”

Hux’s exhale shuddered out of him and Kylo gently rubbed circles in between Hux’s shoulder blades. Still, no words came, and Kylo’s confidence was starting to falter. Had he overstepped? Was he being ‘too much’ again? Fuck, if only he’d just stayed in his own bed and-

“I finished it.” The admission was so quiet that Kylo almost didn’t hear it.

“Finished what?”

“Starkiller. The building,” Hux answered, leaving Kylo only more confused. “I-I started it when I came in. I was working on it before, too, was so close to finishing. I’m an architect, you know. It was going to be my last work, the one that truly let me live on in history in the architectural world.”

Kylo listened closely, trying not to miss any details. Hux never talked about his life before, outside this place, and Kylo wanted to know everything he could about him. He kept his hand moving on Hux’s back, hoping to encourage him to continue.

“It was going to be perfect, Kylo, absolutely perfect,” Hux continued, sounding more melancholy with every word. “I had a plan for after. I’d applied for my firearms license and managed to pass. Once the building was done, I would have that, and I was going to…”

Kylo swallowed thickly; though he’d had a pretty good idea of what had landed Hux here, it was still uncomfortable to hear. He wondered if this was how Hux felt when he’d told his own story.

“Well, I’m sure you can do the math. But the deadlines were too much, I couldn’t take the stress after so many years of subsisting on nothing but coffee and alcohol and cigarettes… I had too much wine and apparently my drunken self thought that waiting was going to be too much, that the designs didn’t need to be finished first. I took my entire bottle of Xanax and – fuck, do you know how many people who try to go out that way fail? I do. I knew before, too, had done my fucking research. But one stupid, _stupid_ choice and I’m here instead of finishing my building or myself the way I’d fucking planned to.”

Hux was breathing heavier now and Kylo thought he saw the glint of tears on his cheeks again. “Phasma – she’s my friend, the only one, really, I suppose, other than you, now – knew something was off somehow, called me, realized how fucked up I was, and then took me in to get my stomach pumped. Then, of course, the doctors put two and two together and here I fucking am. And now the design is done and I’m still fucking _here_.”

“Can I see it?” Kylo asked, immediately, then cursed himself for focusing on that amidst all Hux had told him.

Hux rolled over a bit, blinking up at him with wet eyes. It was dark, but not completely, given the lights on at the nurse’s station down the hall and the lack of a door to their room. He didn’t say anything, just started shifting into a sitting position. Kylo took his hand off Hux’s back but didn’t drop it, letting it hang in the air as he questioned _again_ if he’d overstepped. But then Hux was leaning over the side of the bed, digging something out that he’d clearly hidden by somehow wedging it within the bars of the bedframe without damaging it

 _That’s why I could never find it…_ Kylo thought – he had actually looked for Hux’s super secret project before, back before they’d developed a friendship. It had been an act of bitter petulance, but given the significance of it, he was glad he’d never found the drawing. If he’d stolen it in an attempt to hurt Hux without knowing… Fuck, he really would’ve been an asshole then.

Hux pulled out a pile of papers and sat up properly, flipping through them. The top sheet was only partially completed, a line of marker marring what was otherwise perfect until it was abandoned. He could also just make out the word ‘current’ written at the top, but it was crossed out. Somewhere in the middle of the papers, Hux pulled out one sheet, handling it carefully. It was smart to keep the good one in the middle, Kylo thought. It was less likely to get bent or otherwise damaged that way.

The piece of paper was offered to him and Kylo took it as gently as he could. Even in the near darkness, he could see the beauty of it and the skill behind the hand that had created it. It was elegant but simple, just a touch of utilitarian brutality to it, the design obviously evolved from the first sheet. It was a tower, some sort of skyscraper, and Kylo’s imagination had to do the work imagining the glass planes and metal among the sharp angles of the design. Still, though, he could clearly imagine what it would look like when it was built and standing proudly, tall and grand enough to alter the skyline of wherever it was built.

“It’s amazing,” he said, and he meant it. “Seriously, I can see it in my head even though all you had was a marker.”

Hux made a noise that sounded somewhere between a choke and a laugh, and Kylo managed to tear his eyes away from the paper to see a few fresh tears escape down Hux’s face. Without thinking, he reached out one hand to cup Hux’s face and thumb them away. Hux did not pull away.

“I mean it, really,” he said, hoping that more acknowledgement of Hux’s obvious skill would help. “It’s amazing. I can see why you worked so hard on it. How many times did you start it before you finished?”

A hiccupping noise escaped Hux’s lips before he spoke quietly, staring at the pile of half-completed drawings in his hands. “I lost count. They wouldn’t even let me have a damn pencil, so every line had to be perfect. When it wasn’t, or I had a better idea, I just started over.”

Before Kylo could speak again, Hux let out a stifled sob, and then he crumpled, his head leaving the cup of Kylo’s hand and dropping to land on his shoulder. Kylo gathered up the drawings and reached down to gingerly place them of the floor, conscious of their importance, and then wrapped his arms around Hux, pulling him closer, not missing the way Hux really did fit well in his arms. Hux melted into it, sobbing into his shoulder with an intensity that surprised even Kylo. How long had Hux been holding this breakdown in?

Kylo didn’t know how much time went by while Hux cried himself out, one of Kylo’s hands petting through his hair while he kept a firm grip around Hux’s waist with the other arm. Eventually, though, he did relax, still leaning against Kylo while his breathing went from laboured to calm, and then Hux gently extracted himself from Kylo’s embrace. Even with his face still red and eyes still puffy, he looked more embarrassed than anything else.

“I’m sorry you had to see that, I-” he started, quietly. “Thank you.”

“You don’t need to apologize, Hux,” Kylo responded, insistently. “It’s okay. You helped me before, too, remember?”

Hux managed a small, shy smile at that, and then it was quiet. He was staring at Kylo with a look Kylo couldn’t place, so all he did was stare right back. There was something in the air between them, something charged that Kylo hoped wasn’t some imagining of his stupid, stupid brain that so loved to see things he wanted to be true, but weren’t.

And then Hux leaned forward, grinding Kylo’s thoughts to a halt as Hux’s lips pressed against his. The kiss was firm and insistent, not gentle but not hungry either. Kylo was almost too stunned to reciprocate, but he closed his eyes all the same, savouring the delicious contact, even as he debated whether he should deepen it or just follow Hux’s lead. The decision was made for him, though, when Hux pulled away, and Kylo couldn’t help the way his lips chased after Hux’s, eyes half-lidded.

Hux let out a soft, fond-sounding chuckle, reaching up to cup Kylo’s cheek in the same way Kylo had done for him earlier. Kylo managed to open his eyes fully to see a smile on Hux’s face, gentle and warm in a way he’d never seen in any of Hux’s expressions before. It warmed him from head to toe.

“Thank you, again, Kylo,” he said, and Kylo opened his mouth for a reply. “We should both get some sleep, though.”

Kylo nodded dumbly, still too stunned to really process what had just happened. There is no way in fuck he was going to sleep satisfactorily after _that_ , but he got up to go back to his bed all the same, pausing to return Hux’s pile of drawings. He could hear Hux reorder them as he padded over to his cot and climbed in, carefully so as not to make too much noise.

“Goodnight, Kylo,” he heard just as he got settled in and he looked over to see Hux laying down, staring back at him.

“Night, Hux,” he answered by rote and watched as Hux turned over to sleep.

Kylo stared at the ceiling for most of the night in between what he thought were small fits of sleep. On the one hand, he was ecstatic to finally have evidence that Hux returned his feelings (feelings he’d now apparently managed to come to terms with having in the first place). But on the other, what if Hux had just been seeking comfort after such emotional turmoil? What if it had just seemed like a good idea in the moment, when he wasn’t thinking clearly? Hux didn’t seem the type to act on impulse, but he also hadn’t seemed the type to cry in his roommate cum friend’s arms. In the morning, Hux might regret it, say it was a mistake, maybe would refuse to even mention it.

The thoughts spun on until morning came and he heard Hux waking. Kylo pretended to sleep a little longer even as his heartbeat sped up with anxiety. He was usually up after Hux, so waking earlier would seem off, wouldn’t it? He didn’t want to draw attention to himself and risk receiving the possible rejection sooner.

He could only pretend for so long, though, so once Hux was up and moving about, Kylo rolled up, blinking into the light like he’d actually been asleep, and then got out of bed. His chest clenched when Hux saw him. Even though Hux’s lips were curved in a small smile, Kylo still felt like his lungs had just stopped working.

But then Hux was striding over, stopping in front of Kylo to glance quickly at the door. When there was no one there he leaned in, pressing his lips to Kylo’s again. Kylo melted into it, letting out the smallest of moans in pleasure. Too soon, Hux was pulling away, and his smile was now a smirk.

“Good morning,” he said, fond amusement in his tone, and Kylo could breathe again.

* * *

With the shift in his and Hux’s relationship, Kylo felt better than he could remember feeling in years, like he actually had a reason to get up in the morning beyond obligation. They kept it hidden, though, stealing moments when no one was around and at night, before they went to sleep but after the night shift nurses had retreated to the desk. It felt good, so _good_ , to be wanted, to be cared for. He wouldn’t say _loved_ , not yet, but maybe one day he and Hux would reach that. He wanted them to.

The entire mental ward experience even seemed more tolerable. Even though he hid that he and Hux were involved romantically from his therapist, he found her probing questions to be slightly less irritating than before. It still hurt when he unintentionally let her find something he didn’t want to uncover, and he still felt the urge to run, to fight, to hide when it happened, but at least he had Hux to come to after. Hux, who would give him a sympathetic look and stroke his hair and make him feel like there was something in him worth valuing, even if all he wanted to do was destroy everything around him and/or himself.

His therapist had been happy with his answer about Hux, at least, the answer he’d come to after the change had happened. He’d given it grudgingly, hoping she would’ve miraculously forgotten, but she never let anything go. Kylo supposed that’s what therapists were supposed to do, but that was also a big part of why he hated them so much.

“I… I guess I just want someone to want me around. Someone I know actually cares,” he’d said and she’d beamed, clearly pleased with actually getting a thoughtful answer out of him.

She’d talked some more about the importance of social relationships and a bunch of other shit, then left off with a warning not to focus all of his attention on one person and end up getting too attached or dependent. He’d actually taken that warning to heart; as much as Hux was the reason he felt better, actually had some hope, he had enough self-awareness to know he got attached too easily to the few people he actually liked and that it chased them away from him. He didn’t want to chase Hux away.

Their stolen moments made everything bearable, gave Kylo something to look forward to every day. They took what they could during the day, but most of it happened under the cover of night, one of them going over to the other’s bed. It had started with innocent touches and light kisses, moved up to cuddling and more bold touching, then finally escalated to quick handjobs when they got the chance, moans muffled into hands or shoulders.

The first time Kylo had come in Hux’s hand, it’d taken an embarrassingly short amount of time. Blushing furiously, he’d stammered an apology, trying to explain that it had been a while, but Hux only chuckled softly, shushing him. As it turned out, Hux wasn’t any better off and had come just as quickly. There was something comforting about them being on the same shitty level, in more ways than one.

As much as it was great though, Kylo had a plan to make it even better. He’d executed every part of his plan already except for actually bringing it up to Hux. He didn’t think Hux would refuse him or anything – of course he wouldn’t – but it was still nerve-wracking. Though they’d been doing this for a couple of weeks now, they were still moving rather fast, all things considered.

But that wasn’t going to stop him from suggesting it.

When Hux snuck over to Kylo’s bed that night, greeting him with a hungry kiss as he straddled Kylo’s hips, Kylo decided this would be the night. Their hands were already roving over each other’s bodies, reaching under the bland hospital clothes they wore, seeking the warmth of skin. Hux broke away, pulling his tongue out of Kylo’s mouth to drag it across his jaw and his neck, switching to leaving wet kisses on his way down while Kylo slipped his hands up Hux’s shirt to rub and tease his nipples. Hux shuddered under the attentions and then his hands were on Kylo’s stomach, quickly moving down to his waistband.

“W-wait,” Kylo panted, and Hux froze, looking suddenly very worried. “No, nothing’s wrong, I just… I had an idea for tonight and I got us something.”

Hux watched as Kylo dug under his pillow for the prize he’d hidden there. He presented the bottle of medical grade lubricant with a mixture of pride and apprehension, his cheeks flushing a bit at the implication. Hux stared at him, his eyes hungry and pupils dilated.

“Where did you get that?” Hux breathed, gaze still fixed on Kylo’s face.

“I stole it from one of the medical carts. They left it unattended and, well, I saw an opportunity.”

Hux’s mouth was on his then, even hungrier than before. Kylo kissed back with just as much passion, his body arching up a bit towards Hux’s, seeking contact, as his hands started to remove what he could of Hux’s clothes. Hux got the idea and started on Kylo’s, both of them fumbling a little in their eagerness. They hadn’t seen each other fully undressed before – too much of a risk – but Kylo didn’t care anymore and it seemed Hux didn’t either.

Once their clothes had been successfully removed, they both pulled back a little to just stare. Hux was as lithe as Kylo had thought he was, his bone structure fine and limbs long. His skin was so pale it seemed to glow in the relative darkness of their room. Kylo’s eyes roamed up Hux’s body, strong, lean thighs led to sharp hip bones, between which was his cock, jutting out proudly from a thatch of red curls. Next was his stomach – flat, but with a bit of softness Kylo found endearing – then the faintest outlines of ribs, up to perked nipples, slim collarbones, and the slender column of his throat. He was beautiful. Kylo wanted his hands and mouth on every single inch of him.

He was snapped out of his reverie when he found Hux’s face, realizing he was being appraised in turn. Kylo didn’t hate _everything_ about the way he looked, but he was aware he really only had his musculature on his side. He was big, obnoxiously so, and his features didn’t fit together right, some too soft and others too bold. Then, of course, there were the scars littering his thighs and some other spots, plus the recent additions of his wrists and face. Kylo turned his head away as he realized Hux was scrutinizing every single one of his faults.

A gentle hand cupping his cheek brought Kylo’s face back up to find Hux’s expression had softened a little, though there was still arousal there. He wanted to turn away again, but Hux tightened his grip just a bit to prevent that.

“What’s wrong, Kylo?”

“Nothing,” he answered, too quickly, and Hux’s obvious disbelief made him sigh. “Look, I know what I look like. You don’t have to pretend you like it.”

Hux blinked at him, looking even more confused. “What are you talking about? I like the way you look. You’re broad, strong. You feel good in my hands. Honestly, you’re stunning.”

Kylo still couldn’t move his head, so he only averted his eyes. “I know you can see the scars, Hux. I know how they make me look, how they did before the ones that put me here, how the one on my face makes me look now. I know I’m… disfigured.”

The last word was said with almost no sound, but Hux must have heard because his hand tightened further, gripping Kylo’s face as hard as he could without it hurting. Kylo closed his eyes, dreading the inevitable of Hux leaving. The scars scared most people away, had to scare away even Hux since there were even more of them now. It was so stupid of him to get attached, to actually have some hope-

“You really think that?” Hux said quietly, and Kylo couldn’t help but open his eyes and look at him again, finding his expression pained.

Kylo gave a tiny nod.

“Kylo, honestly, you can hardly see them. Even still, you’re absolutely _beautiful_.”

No one had ever called Kylo _that_ before and he was unprepared for the rush of warmth in his chest at it. Hux said it with such insistence, such _passion_ that even Kylo’s brain, which always wanted to refute anything nice anyone said, couldn’t find a way to make it sound like a lie

“Do you mean that?” Kylo asked, hating how he needed to hear it, but needing it too badly not to ask.

“I do, Kylo. You’re _perfect_ ,” Hux said, and then he was kissing Kylo again, gently but insistently, almost like that first kiss they’d shared in the darkness of their room.

Kylo melted into it, his cock stirring from where it had softened a bit during the discussion. He prodded at Hux’s lips with his tongue, deepening the kiss when Hux let him in. Hux was pressed against him everywhere he could be, skin on skin, delicious warmth and friction. Pulling back to breathe, Hux looked down at him, an almost goofy smile on his face. He looked like he couldn’t believe this was really happening and Kylo felt exactly the same.

Hux used the pause to retrieve the lubricant where it had rolled to nestle against Kylo’s side, rolling the bottle between his hands, likely in an attempt to warm it up. “How do you want to do this? Any preferences?”

“I usually don’t care either way,” Kylo paused, needing only to think for a moment whether he had a specific preference this time, “but I think, tonight, I want to feel you. Inside me.”

The last bit came out deeper, more wanting than Kylo had intended, but the effect on Hux was immediate. He shifted down and Kylo spread his legs wider to make room. He watched as Hux poured the lube out over his fingers, coating them liberally, and then he was moving towards Kylo’s ass.

Kylo let out a breathy sigh when he felt Hux prod at his hole, the lube still cool but warmed enough not to be a shock. Hux teased for a bit, circling his finger and spreading the lube before he slowly pushed in. Kylo had to swallow his first moan of the night, partially from the pleasure and partially from the way Hux was being so gentle with him, like he was something to be treated with care.

Hux pushed deeper and Kylo tilted his hips up in offering, hating how much resistance there was. It’d been so long since he’d done this, especially with a partner, and he worried that opening him up might be too long a process. But Hux didn’t seem to mind, working his finger steadily in and out. Hux then placed his dry hand on Kylo’s stomach, rubbing gently.

“Relax for me,” he said, voice hushed with arousal.

Kylo had been trying to relax but, somehow, that made it easier. Soon enough, he could feel Hux’s second finger rubbing at his entrance and Kylo sighed as it followed the first, enjoying the stretch even though it burned a little. When Hux’s other hand moved from his stomach to wrap around his cock, he had to stifle a cry.

Hux was so methodical with it all, taking his time with lazy movements of both hands, but it still felt so good that Kylo had to muffle his moans. When Hux first brushed his prostate, he just barely managed to bite off a noise that surely would’ve had the nurses running over. Hux let out a quiet laugh and Kylo huffed in response, but he was unable to kill the smile spreading on his lips.

As much as they both wanted this, there was no urgency as Hux prepped him, even as he added a third finger, his hand still working languidly on Kylo’s cock. Kylo desperately wanted to move on to the actual fucking, but there was something about this, the lazy, relaxed intimacy, that stayed his tongue from demanding more. He’d never really been with anyone who’d wanted to take their time like this; it’d always been about the fastest route to an orgasm and nothing more.

It wasn’t long before Hux was pulling out his fingers and asking if Kylo was ready, then slicking his cock when he received an affirmative. Hux pushed in and Kylo couldn’t help a quiet groan, reaching up to grasp onto Hux’s shoulders. Like with everything else, Hux took his time sliding in so Kylo could feel every inch of him and they both sighed when he finally bottomed out.

Hux had squeezed his eyes shut when he entered Kylo, but now he opened them, green eyes staring down into Kylo’s in the dark. Then he rolled his hips smoothly, both of their breath’s hitching, and repeated the motion. It was still slow, still lazy and calm, but so so good. Kylo ran his hands down Hux’s arms as he built up a rhythm.

Suddenly, Hux fucked in harder, forcing Kylo to choke on a moan, but the creak of the bedframe made them both freeze.

“Well,” Hux said breathlessly.

“I guess I forgot about that.” Kylo normally would’ve been frustrated with himself for such an oversight but here, in this moment, he really didn’t care how slow they had to go as long as Hux didn’t stop.

“We’ll just have to keep it slow,” Hux said, leaning down to kiss Kylo sweetly, rolling his hips again like he had at the start, and Kylo slid his hands back up Hux’s arms towards his shoulders.

Hux let himself collapse then, still kissing Kylo and pressing against him, going for deep, even thrusts as opposed to speed or power, and it was absolutely perfect. His hands moved to Hux’s back, kneading at the muscle, trying to pull him impossibly closer. Hux was spread completely over him like a warm, too small blanket, like if they just got close enough, they could melt together and become one single being. Each gentle rock of his hips sent sparks through Kylo’s nerves; all he could feel was pleasure and heat and full and _good_.

It was a slow build, probably slower than was safe, given their location, but they didn’t care. The kiss broke, both of them needing air with how heavy their breathing had become. Kylo was trying his best to arch up into Hux’s steady thrusts, meeting him halfway, and it left them both sweating. He could taste Hux’s breath, their breathing synchronized in the same way their hips were.

After a long time of just thrusting together, enjoying the slowly building heat and pressure in his groin, Kylo knew he was getting close and pulled one hand back to reach between them, grasping his cock and stroking it in rhythm with their hips. He could’ve stroked faster, gripped himself harder to get there sooner, but no part of him wanted to. If it weren’t for the urge building in him to finally come, he would’ve been happy to stay in this moment forever.

Kylo started mouthing at Hux’s neck, burying his groans and whimpers in his skin. He could feel his legs shaking and his cock throbbing, could hear the way Hux’s breathing was starting to stutter more, cut with muffled sounds of pleasure. He could tell they were both close now.

“Kylo, I’m-” Hux cut off with a strangled sound that he barely managed to muffle by biting his lip, his hips bucking a touch harder as Kylo felt warmth release inside him.

That was enough and, with a twist of the hand on his cock, Kylo was coming too, right after Hux, mashing his face as far as he could in the juncture between Hux’s neck and shoulder to trap any noise he made. It was so hard to keep quiet after such a slow, delicious build, especially since Kylo knew he wasn’t exactly quiet in bed. For this, for Hux, though, he knew it would be worth trying.

They were both panting as they came down, stuck together with sweat in a way that told him it was going to hurt when they separated. Without the burn of arousal, it was uncomfortably hot and humid in the space they shared, yet neither moved, wanting the closeness for just a while longer. One day, Kylo thought, they’d be able to have this any time, would be able to fuck however they wanted and stay together after for as long as they wanted. For now, though, it was more than enough.

Neither of them moved until after Hux had gone soft and slipped out on his own, hands petting over each other softly, lips meeting in lazy, wet kisses. Eventually, though, they were forced to pull apart, the risk of falling asleep and getting caught like this, naked and entwined on one of the smallest beds in the world, too much.

They both grimaced as their sweat-slicked skin protested their separation. They wiped themselves clean as best they could with a dirty shirt and then got redressed. Kylo gave Hux one last kiss, a tender yet slightly mournful look on Hux’s face as he moved back over to his own bed. Kylo stowed the lube again, thinking about how one day, they’d also be able to share a bed while they slept. A future with Hux didn’t even feel like a hope anymore, but more of a guarantee.

They exchanged ‘goodnight’s’ and Kylo drifted off to sleep, not even caring about the wet spot under him, or the come that was surely going to leak out of him over the night. Really, the only complaint he could’ve thought of was that the first night they slept beside each other was in the future rather than now.

* * *

The sound of the front door opening and closing snapped Kylo out of his trance. He glanced at the direction of the door and then looked back to assess the progress of his work. It was coming out a lot better than he’d expected, honestly. He hadn’t thought himself up for a project this big, especially after being out of practice for so long, but his skills and inspiration had apparently only been dormant, not gone.

He heard the sounds of Hux milling about, dropping his keys in the bowl and shedding his jacket, then moving into the kitchen. Kylo went out to meet him and they met in the middle with a kiss. Hux tasted like coffee, as he almost always did.

“How was work?” he asked as they separated, giving Hux an opportunity to get his daily rant out of his system early.

“Ugh,” Hux pressed a hand to his forehead, “I’ve certainly had better. Honestly, I don’t know why I ever thought this was a good idea.”

“You love it,” Kylo said, like he did every time because he knew it was true, as he started getting together the ingredients for dinner.

It was still so hard to believe they were here, together, both mostly happy with their lives and careers. Though every day brought them further away from the shitty circumstances that had allowed them to meet, it still felt surreal to think back to it. Kylo had been positive there was no hope for him, that this just wasn’t the kind of life he got to have, but here he was, having it anyways.

He’d always thought, before, that having something like what he had with Hux would’ve been enough to fix him. He wished it had’ve been that easy, that he wouldn’t have had to do anything more, but he’d been proven wrong. If asked what had actually set him on the path of cooperation with the program, honestly… it was just easier not to fight it anymore, no matter how unpleasant the process was. After so long of resisting the hospital’s treatments, he’d just wanted _out_ , and the fastest way out was to simply acquiesce.

Hux had gotten out a bit before him – the bastard, Kylo thought fondly – and though it was hard to start doing everything alone, again, at least this way he had someone to visit him on the next visitor’s day. Hux had quit his job (‘they wanted to get rid of me, anyway, after what happened. They just needed to find something legitimate to fire me for first’) and signed up for a senior role with a smaller, more relaxed company, one that focused less on big business and more on other projects. It had done wonders for his stress levels.

When Kylo had gotten out, he’d returned to his apartment to find it completely untouched, the evidence of his past actions all over the couch and floor. He’d immediately walked out and called Hux, explaining that he couldn’t live there anymore, asking if there was any way he could stay with him for a bit. Hux had agreed and they’d just stayed living together since.

Kylo’s main goal had been to get himself back into art. His sessions had taught him he wasn’t the type of person who could handle giving most of his time to a job he didn’t care for with nothing to bring passion into his life. He’d managed to find a few small time projects, a handful of commissions, that had gotten him started and given him enough a foothold to officially quit his job and start working fulltime on art. Hux had given him some contacts too, and helped financially until he was steady, and now Kylo felt like he could actually call himself an artist.

Hux returning from the bedroom after changing out of his work clothes brought Kylo out of his thoughts, and he went back to getting the vegetables ready for stirfry. Cooking was one of those things Kylo used to hate, had more than once sent him into an episode that had ended with him surrounded by shards of broken dishes and his bleeding hands covered in bandages, but he’d actually started enjoying it now. Even if the dish didn’t go just right, he was now able to just relax and go with it instead of smashing things.

Arms wrapped around Kylo’s middle and Hux nosed into his neck, leaving a light kiss there. Kylo smiled at the attention, still working on the food. It was all so disgustingly domestic, the kind of thing that Kylo would’ve rolled his eyes at before, but in the way he’d always secretly craved.

When the food was done, they’d eat, Kylo taking his meds after dinner and Hux relaxing after the day with tea instead of wine or pills (or both). Hux would complain about the interns at work and Kylo would tell him about his plans for the next day, which were in this case to meet with some potential clients followed by his therapy appointment – separate from Hux’s, as suggested once they were both out to make sure they remembered to focus on themselves instead of only each other.

If someone had’ve told his younger self this was the life he’d have, he’d either have laughed or punched them in face, and Hux likely would’ve thought the same. But they’d found each other, had realized that maybe there was something in themselves capable of saving, and figured out that maybe everything doctors and therapists suggested wasn’t completely bullshit after all. No matter what it took to get them here, or how often they still had their respective slips, it was more than enough for Kylo to say he was actually, finally happy.

**Author's Note:**

> Come hang out with me on [tumblr](http://kyluxtrashpit.tumblr.com) too


End file.
